Who I'm Becoming Read online

  Sucking in the corner of his pierced bottom lip, he took slow steps towards me, his eyes locked on my mouth. When he was only a few inches away, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. My body felt impaired as he looked down at me with those piercing blue eyes. My entire body felt weak and limp as he wrapped an arm around my waist and reeled me into him. Our bodies collided, and a small moan escaped me as he tilted my chin with his finger.

  “You want me to make you forget,” he said, gently kissing the corner of my mouth. I melted. “I’ll make you forget, Lauren.” Oh, goodness. Never had I heard him speak so seductively. I honestly didn’t think he was capable of it, but then again I realized he had to be with all the women he led into his arms. He had a way with words. He knew exactly how to touch me. He held me as if I were only his, and he explored me as if we’d just met. He was like a stranger I’d encountered in another lifetime. I was comfortable knowing he was familiar but somewhat afraid because I didn’t know what he was capable of or what he’d do to me.

  Turning me around in his arms, he placed me on the edge of the bed and forced me down. Before he could get me completely on my back, I stopped him, shaking my head. His eyebrows lifted with curiosity, but I settled his concern as I started to unbuckle his belt. He watched with heated eyes. I did my best to stay as seductive as possible. I wanted him to want every part of me, and I wanted him to take me in every way. Like I’d said, I wanted to forget.

  Once his belt and the button of his jeans were undone, I lowered them, and he stepped back to make it easier. His jeans fell to his ankles, and he stepped out of them, standing before me in a pair of grey boxers that didn’t even dare to hide his thick arousal.

  Montana quickly reached forward and pulled my shirt over my head, exposing my bare chest. “No bra. I figured,” he said, smiling.

  I blushed and allowed him to lay me back as he climbed on the bed. His fingers were quick to unzip my skirt. Once he realized I had no panties on, he groaned a little and cursed beneath his breath. “Shit,” he murmured, tossing my skirt aside. “You’re tryna kill me.”

  I giggled for a moment, but it stopped as he neared me. There I was, lying completely naked before Montana Delray. My heart was racing. My mind was boggled and, honestly, all over the place. I was afraid of what the future held, but more than that, I was… ready.

  Ready for him to take me.

  Ready to rid my mind of the shit I was dealing with.

  Ready to get this over with.

  After digging in the pocket of his jeans for a condom, removing his boxers and sliding the condom on, he parted my legs, hovering above me. My eyes lowered to his length and my eyebrows shot up to my forehead.

  Bigger than I thought. Damn.

  “You want me to make you forget,” he murmured, dipping down to kiss the bend of my neck. I shivered. “You want me… that’s good enough.” I could feel his smile.

  I wrapped my arm around his neck, bringing his chest against mine. He tilted his head back and looked me over briefly. He studied me, his eyes roaming, taking in every single one of my features. Bringing my hips closer, he lowered his gaze to my lips. Mine were parted, and I desperately craved the taste of him. I’d always wondered how Montana kissed. Was he soft and neat about it, or rough and sloppy? I was curious. I had to know, and within seconds, I found out.

  He brought his lips down and pressed them against mine. He was being patient and gentle at first, but after a few seconds of him grinding his cock between my legs and building himself up, he started to kiss a little harder. I didn’t mind it. I was getting into it too. My core began to ache, and I moaned as his tongue slid between my lips and swirled around mine. I could taste him.

  All of him.

  I wanted more.

  Before I knew it, he was poking at my entrance. I gasped, but he calmed me by bringing one hand up and cupping my cheek. Holy shit. I couldn’t believe this was happening. With him of all men. I felt stupid and naïve all over again. I felt like a virgin again… how the hell was he making me feel this way? So innocent, like I’d never had sex before? I felt like this was wrong, and that I should stop—like maybe I shouldn’t have been going through with this just for a little fun—but those thoughts didn’t linger for long.

  No, they sure didn’t because in one quick thrust, he was inside me. I released an audible breath of air as our lips parted and he lowered his head, stroking his way in and out. Our eyes bolted, and as much as I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. I couldn’t because this was it. It was too late, and I wasn’t upset about it. Deep down, I wanted this.

  With his eyes still on mine, he lifted my legs to lock them around his waist and circled his hips. “Oh, Montana,” I breathed.

  “Yeah,” he groaned. “Say my name. I’ve been waiting forever for this shit.”

  “Montana…” I moaned, knocking my head back. I clutched the sheets as he plunged into me a little deeper. He was hitting my spot. The spot that was slowly but surely building me up for the big climax. He knew what he was doing, and to really prove it, he brought a hand down and circled my throbbing nub with the pad of his thumb.

  “I need you to come around me, Lauren. Scream my name,” he demanded. “I love your fucking voice—that accent. I gotta hear it.” Damn. I wondered if he realized what he was saying to me. How long had he held that in? I never knew he liked the sound of my voice. This proved he thought of me in more ways than just sex…

  Lifting my hips a little higher, he steadily began to hammer himself into me. The headboard thumped against the wall, and he grunted, grasping my ass and burying himself as deep as possible. I leaned forward, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and bringing his forehead to mine. From the look on his face, I could tell he was close. And so was I. I worked my hips with his, and his eyes nearly rolled to the back of his skull as his mouth opened.

  “Fuck, Lauren,” he groaned.

  I egged him on, holding onto the back of his neck a little tighter. If it was my voice that was going to do the trick, then so be it. I couldn’t stand my voice, but he made me love it in this moment. My voice was doing something to him. It was making him weak. It was making his entire body tremble with pleasure. Montana couldn’t be weak—at least, that’s what I’d always assumed. In that moment I felt powerful—I felt magical.

  Holding onto me a little tighter, Montana’s body finally began to lock up. Veins popped out of his neck, and his bulky muscles tensed as I ran my fingers over his smooth skin. He changed his strokes, and I didn’t even see it coming, but I was on the verge of my own climax. My entire body quaked, and I bucked forward, shouting his name while tightening my grip around his neck. I was sure my hold on him had reached the point of pain, but that only seemed to boost his ego. My body arched. I panted. And then it arrived.

  I shouted his name to the rooftops with nothing but pure pleasure. My body jolted, and I breathed heavily. He held onto me tight; our eyes locked. I could see his blood pulsing through the erupting ripples on his sweaty forehead. He was trying to hold on for just a little longer, but I whispered, “I want you to come for me, Montana.”

  Maybe he really did love the sound of my voice because, just like that, he released a guttural groan, cursing and shuddering as he collapsed on top of me.

  We panted heavily for a few seconds, waiting for our bodies to die down. As I swiped the sweat from my damp face, I couldn’t believe it. I really went through with it, and honestly, I was glad I did. It was the best I’d felt in months—years.

  Pressing his palms against the bed, Montana sat up and looked down at me, a lazy smile on his lips. I returned the smile, but it was in that moment—in his eyes—when I realized this was wrong. I’m not sure what got a hold of me, but it pained me to feel. He’d had a good time. He’d wanted this for months. Suddenly, I felt like the culprit. Now I knew how it felt to have a quick one-night stand and want to bail.

  My guilt ate at me, and when he announced that he was going to take a shower, a small hint of relief swi
rled through me. As soon as I heard the shower start, I quickly got dressed, snatched up my heels, and hurried for the door. Guilt coursed through my body as I quietly shut it behind me.

  As I scurried down the hallway and to the elevator, I did my best to find my leaving reasonable. We had a few drinks, we had sex, and I was leaving before he kicked me out.

  As the elevator opened and I stepped in, I knew I was lying to myself. I knew Montana would’ve wanted me to stay a little longer, possibly the night. I knew because, if he wanted, he could’ve easily kicked me out as soon as he got himself off. But he didn’t. He said he was going to take a shower, which meant he was expecting to come back to the sight of me. He was expecting more time with me… maybe more mind-blowing sex with me.

  “Oh, God,” I groaned, flopping onto my bed as soon as I entered my room. I couldn’t believe this. That wasn’t like me. That was a bitch move, but if I was being honest with myself, it was the right thing to do. It was best not to stick around, especially with someone like Montana Delray.

  After I finally convinced myself that leaving was the clever thing to do, I took a quick shower and climbed into bed. I wanted to sleep, but the guilt surged through me like an internal alarm clock. I was guilty because I did something to someone that I never would’ve wanted done to me.

  I felt horrible, and worse, I was ashamed—ashamed because I was going to have to see him tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and soon for more shows. There would be no avoiding him. I knew sooner or later he’d question me about my disappearance, and like the fool I was, I’d have no explanation.

  Damn. I’d set myself up.

  MONTANA

  Three

  I felt great.

  The music was on blast, the lights were bright, and the fans were like wild animals, just how I liked it. Nothing could top this feeling. Rocking out and interacting with the fans was what I did best. Most called me a showboat, but I honestly didn’t give a fuck. If I didn’t do it, who would?

  With my guitar strapped around me, I neared the edge of the stage, and a group of girls upfront screamed at the top of their lungs, reaching up for me. I grinned down at them, licking my lips as I strummed and bobbed my head. Man… I loved this.

  I was in more of a chipper mood during this performance than most. I wanted to say it was because I actually got a full night’s rest the previous night, but I knew the real cause. The real reason was because of the girl that was most likely roaming around backstage.

  Lauren.

  I hated admitting it to myself, but after finally getting something I’d been craving for so long, I felt like the cockiest motherfucker on the planet. I felt like I could do anything, and it was strange how sleeping with a girl made me feel that way, but I absorbed every ounce of my confidence, nonetheless.

  I was confused about one thing, though. She’d left while I showered. I couldn’t remember telling her to leave—shit, I was in such a high after fucking her that I couldn’t remember anything after that. It felt so good; she was amazing. I figured she would’ve stayed a little longer and maybe I would’ve been able to tap that at least one more time.

  Honestly, I was pretty disappointed to see she wasn’t sitting on the bed when I hopped out of the shower, and that never happened to a guy like me. Girls were never allowed to stick around after the deed was done. They all knew to pack their shit, blow a few air kisses, and get the hell out.

  I wanted her to stay. But why? I should’ve wanted her gone. I should’ve been glad that she left… but I wasn’t. I figured maybe it was because I wasn’t done with her. It was because I wanted another taste. I wasn’t completely satisfied.

  The show came to a close, and Gage yelled into the microphone, thanking the crowd for coming out. Roy and Deed were first to head backstage. I waited on Gage before passing through the curtain. Boy, did I have a lot to tell him. He wasn’t going to believe it. I felt like a young boy in high school again, ready to tell all my friends about the latest girl I laid, how wet she felt around me, and even the shit she said to me.

  Gage finally met up to my side, and we pushed through the curtain. I glanced his way with a small smile on my lips, shaking my head.

  He looked me over. “What, man? Hey, don’t fucking start. I didn’t fuck up once tonight. I sang my damn heart out.”

  “Nah,” I said, lifting my hands in the air. “It’s not that.”

  “Then what?”

  I tore my gaze from his and glanced around the backstage area. We started towards the dressing room, and I swore I felt like I was about to burst. “Dude… you won’t believe what happened last night.”

  He lifted a brow. “What?”

  I stopped him by the shoulder just as we met in front of the dressing room door. “Lauren… she came up to my room last night.”

  His eyes expanded. “What? How?” he spat.

  I shrugged. By the frown on his face, I knew he was shocked. “We were at the bar, and I told her to come up to my room with me. And get this,” I said, leaning forward, “…she made the first move. I barely did shit to get us started.”

  He blinked quickly, huffing a laugh. “Wow… I can’t believe it.”

  “You better believe it. I’m not kidding. It was hot, too.” I was bragging now.

  “Wow. Well, that’s good for you, man. She isn’t the girl I thought she was, though.”

  I narrowed my brows. “What do you mean by that?”

  He grabbed the door handle, stepping past me. “I just thought she’d make you work a little harder for it, you know?” He shrugged then capped my shoulder. “But like I said, that’s good for you. At least you know it won’t take much now. No challenges.”

  I don’t know why, but hearing that come out of his mouth sort of pissed me off. What the hell was he trying to say? That he wanted her to challenge me more? That he wanted her to be harder for me to get? I didn’t understand; he knew how I was, and he knew the only thing I wanted from her was sex. Before I could say anything, the door shut behind him. I swiped my forehead, a little irritated by his comment. I knew I’d brush it off sooner or later, but for now, I had to do a little mingling. There were girls waiting… groupies. Women.

  Just as I was about to turn and start down the hallway, I stopped dead in my tracks, meeting bright, grey eyes. My eyes expanded as I stared ahead at Lauren. She was standing right in the middle of the hallway, and it seemed she’d been standing there for a while now. Her face was blank, her lips slightly parted.

  Then I realized something…

  But before I could speak, she turned her back on me.

  “Shit… Lauren,” I called after her, marching in her direction.

  She didn’t stop, not until I got a hold of her. When I did, she snatched her arm out of my hand and grimaced. “I can’t believe you,” she whispered.

  I wasn’t sure what to say… I mean, what the hell was I supposed to say? I’d never been in a situation like this before, and what was worse was I wanted to make it right. “Lauren…”

  “No.” She shook her head, turning my way. Then a faint smile appeared on her lips. “No… actually, I don’t know why I’m so shocked. I saw this coming.” She shrugged. “Look, I was stopping by to let you guys know you had a great show… and also to apologize to you.”

  “Apologize for what?”

  She pursed her lips. “For walking out on you last night.”

  “You walked out?”

  “Yes, I did. And at first, I regretted it, but that little chat I just heard you have with Gage makes me wish I never had. I don’t know why I was feeling guilty.” She scoffed.

  “You do it all the time. You deserve to have a taste of your own medicine once in a while, right?

  I blinked, still unsure of what to say.

  “Anyway, great show and um… just so you know, last night was fun, but it was a huge mistake.”

  “Mistake?” She turned, but I grabbed her by the hand and twirled her back around. “Mistake? Why was it a mistak
e?”

  “It never should’ve happened, Montana. I don’t know what I was thinking. My mind was all over the place.”

  Wow. I couldn’t believe this. She was making up excuses for what happened last night. Instead of enjoying her time with me, she was regretting it. Since when did a bitch regret sleeping with me? I’d never heard that one. Not ever. I knew how to please, and I damn sure knew how to make a woman remember me.

  I felt incredibly dumb and even more foolish as she forced a smile at me and turned around for the final time, trotting off in her heels. I stared ahead, dumbfounded and a little confused. Even if a girl thought I was a mistake, she never admitted it to me. A situation like this never happened to Montana Delray.

  Wow. All that confidence and cockiness I felt immediately shriveled up and disappeared. I knew I wasn’t going to get on her good side again, and sadly, I was pissed because I wanted so much more of her.

  But I wasn’t about to go through obstacles to get her. If she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, so be it. I was just going to have to find a way to get her out of my mind.

  Yeah, I got in her panties—well, under her skirt—but the turnout was completely fucked up. It wasn’t what I was expecting at all. I wanted to be happy about that shit, but instead I was ticked, and my balls were blue all over again.

  ***

  The band decided to hit one of the Paris’s hottest clubs, Rebel. I’d heard a lot about it—women dancing on tables and countertops, drinks getting you entirely fucked up, and even the music. I heard the music was the best part. Loud and with a heavy bass.

  As we entered the club, everything I’d heard about the place turned out to be true. It was a little after midnight, and the people inside were partying their asses off, as if they had all the energy in the world.

  I needed this, and I needed a drink as soon as possible. The boys and I headed to our reserved section, and someone took our orders immediately. After the drinks were delivered, I sighed and slouched back against the leather sofa, staring ahead at the flailing arms and strobe lights.